I’m struggling at the moment. I’ve been battling with this all week and I’m at the point where I’m not sure if I can take anymore. I’m not even sure why I’m posting about it. All I know is I needed to get how I’m feeling out in someway. I suppose I could have written about it in my journal, but somehow, blogging about it feels so much easier. Some of you will have read my last post where I was having similar struggles, and this is very much related.
Since I last spoke about my stomach issues, I’ve been to see my doctor and I’m currently undergoing a bunch of tests. I won’t bore you with the details, but I’m waiting to get an appointment for the joy that is a colonoscopy. Yay me. Anyway, the last couple of months, my stomach has decided to ruin a number of events, and I’ve gone through several periods of feeling like crap. Ultimately, I’ve lost a fair bit of weight where I haven’t been eating properly, and my anxiety is at an all time high because I’m constantly worrying that my stomach will act up.
Anyway, the last couple of weeks, things have actually been improving. Gradually I had noticed that I was feeling hungrier during the day, and my appetite was very slowly coming back. While my mental health this past week seems to have deteriorated a fair bit (work and house stress mainly), the only consolation was that physically, I was starting to feel myself again. But then yesterday morning, I was back to a similar situation that happened a few months ago. Cue me feeling like utter crap all day, both physically and mentally.
Today I thought I was on the mend, but as it happens I’ve bailed on yet another outing with my friends because I feel really low and I’m just exhausted. I feel incredibly anxious and on edge, and all I want to do is sleep. Overall, I’m so fed up. I want whatever is wrong with me to leave and I want to feel myself again. I want to be able to eat like I used to and I want to be able to go out without worrying that I won’t find a toilet. I feel like a failure and I feel as though I’m letting everyone down because everything lately is dependent on my stomach and my anxiety.
We have 2 weeks off next week and I’ve been determined to go on holiday, but the way I feel right now, I’m wondering what’s the point? The anxiety makes my stomach worse, and if my stomach’s acting up it makes me more anxious. I feel as though I can’t win anymore and I don’t know what to do. It’s a vicious cycle and there just doesn’t seem to be an end to it.
I’m not even sure what the point of this post was but I think it’s been helpful at just getting my thoughts out. Apologies if it doesn’t make much sense. I’ll be back to my usual posting on Monday. Lots of love to you all x