I’m Struggling

Stock Photo of Woman Lying on Bed

It’s been a bit of a strange month. Once I got back on track post Disneyland, I had scheduled blog posts right up until the beginning of October, I had several of them written and ready to go. I was feeling good. Then, things took a bit of a turn. I originally planned for this post to be about a Fitness Reset that I was doing, but it’s only been within the last few days that I’ve realised maybe I need to reset a few other things too. So, for today’s post, this is more of an update on life in general. Bear with. 

Fitness Fails

Towards the end of July, I noticed myself slipping with my fitness routine, so I decided to do a bit of a reset with it. I noticed myself getting angry when there were moves I couldn’t do or keep up with, and this was part of the reason I felt so crappy about working out. My reset involved downloading the Blogilates beginners calendar (I usually worked through the monthly ones) which had some tamer workouts designed for well…beginners, or people like me who had let their routine lapse a little. I got through the first week and a half no problem, and I was feeling good. What was even better, is that because I was starting out small, I was more likely to be able to do the moves and feel the benefits of them, which meant I ended the workouts feeling accomplished. By late August, I noticed that again, I was doing the workouts less and less, so I made a pact with myself to start up again once I was back from Disney. 

Three weeks back from France and I’ve done nothing. My main problem? Time. I’m really struggling to manage it. I’ve been enjoying blogging so much and I’ve wanted to keep up the momentum with regular posting, and when I got back I fell behind. So, because I wanted to keep my commitment to blogging up, I told myself I’d take a week out to build up some more posts and get back on track. That happened, and it was all good. However, after said week, I still found myself coming home from work and heading straight for my laptop rather than my yoga mat. 

Cut to the present day where I’m writing this post (the 23rd September, just for context) and I can’t see myself doing any exercise before October. For reasons I’ll come to explain, last week went to shit, and as I write this I’m feeling a cold coming on so I’m thinking it’ll be a fair few evenings on the sofa in the foreseeable future. I’d love to say I’ll start afresh with the working out when October rolls around, but at the moment, it’s unlikely. 

Mental Health Fails

I haven’t really checked in with my mental health lately, so I guess now is as good a time as any. I think my trip to Disneyland did a lot for my confidence, in that I coped well on the flight there and back and that my anxiety didn’t get in the way of me enjoying myself. However, cut to a few weeks later, where my husband was due to go to Germany with work for a couple of days, and well, bitches be needy AF. 

I always struggle with my husband going away. Partially because I miss him but it’s mainly to do with being left with my own thoughts. There’s more things for my OCD to kick off at when I’m home alone too like whether I’ve locked the front door before I go to bed, whether I turned the oven off and so on. However, I wasn’t feeling too nervous about him going to Germany, until 2 nights before where I had a complete meltdown. Basically, my brain suddenly sparked an entire list of possibilities of things that could go wrong, and would not shut the fuck up. It essentially started a spiral of anxiety and depression. I tried to arrange to see friends, but when they were busy it tipped me over the edge and it was almost like months and months of pent up stress, anxiety and upset just fell out of me. In those 2 days I was in quite a dark place, and all because I couldn’t ignore what started out as a couple of little niggles in the back of my mind. I started to consider that perhaps I’m not doing as well as I thought. 

Anyway, my husband went off to Germany that Thursday, and I spent the evening with my Mum and Daisy (we took her to Doggy Fat Fighters – not actually a thing but it’s just what we call her weight check at the vets), and we had a Chinese. By the time I got home, it was time for bed, so I didn’t really have time to sit and stew. I just cuddled up with Tilly and before you knew it, I was getting ready for work on Friday. 

Friday went by pretty quickly, and soon enough I was back home and had less than 24 hours to go before my husband got home. I decided to celebrate with my usual G&T as I do most evenings, but I got a bit carried away. If you saw my Twitter that Friday night you’ll know I was hammered by 10pm and watching The Swan Princess – meanwhile texting my friends quotes from it. It wasn’t until I woke up in bed with all the lights on, a cold cup of coffee, all of my nails chewed and the cat looking at me with pure shame that I realised I’d gone a bit too far with the gin. My productive day of housework and smashing out a few blog posts went out the window and was replaced with a day on the sofa watching Don’t Tell the Bride. 

Judgemental Tilly
This was genuinely what I woke up to on Saturday morning.

While I’ve had worse hangovers by means of sickness and pounding headaches, I still felt like crap all day. Even a huge Chinese (yes, another one) and watching Strictly did nothing to perk me up. I still didn’t feel great on the Sunday, and come the evening it became apparent that maybe I’m coming down with something anyway. Hooray. 

And Now…

So I don’t really know where I should go from here. I generally feel like things go on pause anyway when I get ill, so I’m not sure I’ll feel motivated to get myself back on track anytime soon. I’m considering getting back into some therapy, as clearly my recovery has encountered a minor cock-up, but it means looking into private therapists as I’ve had my ‘quota’ of CBT on the NHS (we’re so very lucky to have it but it’s times like this where I feel frustrated AF with their mental health services). 

As for the exercise thing again, my biggest problem is time. I get home from work pretty late most evenings, and I’ve only usually got time to do one. I feel like if I do a workout, I can’t keep up with blogging, and if I write, I feel guilty for not exercising. I want to do both but I’m struggling, and I’m feeling like a bit of a failure for not being able to do both. I’m frustrated with myself and maybe that’s contributed a bit to why my mental health has gone to crap these last few weeks. 

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know. If anyone has any tips on time management/routines I’ll gladly take them!

Featured image by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash

6 thoughts on “I’m Struggling

  1. It sounds like you’re being very hard on yourself. You’re coping amazingly and we all have these little set backs at times. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. I just completed a month of self-care for September and it really made me feel good each day. I’d recommend sitting down and planning something for each day (you can use it as blog content too!).

    Just hang on in there, things will get easier – don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do everything at once 😘xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 🙂 I must admit I wasn’t in a very good way when I initially wrote this as you can probably tell! I think I’m definitely going to get on with planning something because generally if something’s written down in my house it has more chance of getting done! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Let yourself fully recover from this cold before deciding that you’ve had a big relapse.
    It seems quite frequent in my experience that I am run down enough to affect my emotional experience before I start exhibiting physical signs of illness.

    Can you alternate nights between blogging and working out?
    Or shorter work outs?

    Can you swap something else in like a short walk in your lunch break or getting off a stop early?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think that’s definitely what went on, I felt pretty low before I actually got ill and actually once the symptoms started coming out I started to feel a bit brighter. I’m going to look at working out some sort of schedule I think for the blogging/workouts. I feel like I need to get back into it because I was doing so well. Thanks for reading xx

      Like

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