My mind is all over the place at the moment – I feel overwhelmed, frustrated and generally a bit fed up. In lieu of a proper post today, I’m just writing a bit of a stream of consciousness. I’m actually a bit pissed off with myself, because I had all this stuff I wanted to say this morning but now I’ve come on my lunch to start writing most of it has disappeared.
Anyway, the gist of it is that I’m struggling to keep up. Writing two blog posts a week, catching up on others posts, replying to comments, submitting a new post for my Need to Live content every week on top of a full time job is bloody difficult. I’ve been struggling for a couple of weeks now, and I’ve just about made it through by the skin of my teeth, but I think I’m at the point now where I need to admit defeat.
I absolutely adore working on my blog and I’ve seen so much improvement over the last few months in my followers and views, which is why it pains me so much to admit this. I’ve discovered something I actually want to do for a career and at one point I thought that would never happen. I want nothing more than to write full time, or at the very least put more effort into it than an hour or two every evening. Sadly, I can’t afford to. I’m nowhere near the stage where I can live on freelance work – hell, right now I don’t even have the time to look for bloody opportunities.
With the long commute to and from work I’ve tried to utilise my time in the car, but there’s only so much looking at my phone I can do without feeling sick. I spend my lunch breaks reading through other blog posts and commenting, and as soon as I get home I’m on my laptop. However, my time is mainly taken up by admin and generally just taking bloody ages to churn out some half decent content. Honestly, I’m looking forward to my colonoscopy whenever that may be. Despite shitting my brains out and having a camera shoved up through my intestines, it’s a few days off work and I can either take some time to properly relax, or write if I feel up to it.
I’ve neglected basic adult stuff I should be doing so that I can put all my time into my blog – my house is an absolute tip, I’m not taking any time out to relax and I’ve completely packed in my workouts because there is simply no time. Please don’t think I’m being resentful about my blog here – I’m well aware this is all my own fault. If anything I’m more resentful of life in general for taking up my bloody time.
So, where does that leave me? Well, like I said, I’m frustrated, overwhelmed and fed up. Frustrated that there literally aren’t enough hours in the day. I’m overwhelmed by my endless list of stuff to do, both for my blog and life in general, and I’m fed up. Fed up with myself for failing at something AGAIN.
I feel like a major drama queen writing this, but it’s true. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way and I know that having a job and general life stuff to do is part of being an adult and you just have to live with it. But how am I supposed to succeed at writing when I can’t even meet the basic targets I’ve set myself for my own blog? Failure. Again. I know there’s probably people out there reading this and thinking that I’m exaggerating and there’s bound to be some extra time I can rustle up from somewhere but honestly there isn’t. I’ve been fooling myself for weeks thinking I can spare a little extra time here and there, but I can’t. Not if I want to sleep and eat.
I don’t want to be ungrateful here, and that absolutely isn’t my intention, so apologies if that’s how I sound. I missed a day of my meds earlier this week just as a side note, which is probably why I feel so crappy. Anyway, after the last few nights I’ve come to a decision on what I need to do.
I hate myself for backing down, but I’m taking a little break. I’m not sure for how long, but it’s just until I can sort myself out and get organised. Yes, I’m aware of the irony that last week I bragged about how organised I was. It turns out all the organisation in the world won’t do you any good if you can’t see that shit through. Honestly, in reality, things won’t change all that much. I’ll still be catching up on other people’s blogs, doing my general admin and such, along with my Need to Live submissions. The only difference is that there won’t be any new posts on Sassy Cat Lady for a week or two. As the actual writing side of things is often what gets left to the last minute for me, I’m taking some time off to get some decent posts written and scheduled for later.
I guess that’s not really a proper break. However my theory behind it is if I take the pressure off myself for a bit I can work at a leisurely pace and get ahead of myself with my scheduling so that when I do eventually get back into a routine, things won’t all just crash and burn should I take a day off once in a while. I’m hoping I can get back into a routine of working out and taking a little time out to relax too. While right now it seems as though I still won’t have the time, I guess without the pressure of getting content written and scheduled, maybe I will.
I really don’t want this to be for more than a few weeks, but I guess it’ll take as long as it takes. I may even come back with one post a week for a while. I don’t know.
I’m gutted to be doing this. And I feel pathetic for feeling so gutted about it. Blogging isn’t my job after all. Loads of people have to give up hobbies and things they love because you know, adulting. I’m lucky to have what I have, and I’m not complaining (even though it probably seems like I am). While I have nowhere near as many followers as some of the other amazing bloggers I’ve met within the community, the ones I do have are amazing and supportive, and if I’m honest I feel like I’m letting them down.
I promise I’ll be back soon. Like I said, the only thing that’s going to change is that I won’t be posting new content on Sassy Cat Lady for a couple of weeks. I’ll still be there in the background, and I’ve got some older posts scheduled in on the old social media to fill the tiny void. Thank you so much to everyone that reads my blog and that takes the time to comment. I really, REALLY appreciate it and I’m so grateful to have met some lovely friends within the blogging community. With a bit of luck, I’ll be back before the end of the month.
Thanks everyone for your support x